I have my first Improv show today.

It will be my first comedy performance sober. ever. I am nervous and excited. And a whole lot of anxious.

 

The anxiety and depression hasn’t gone away. I wish I could just shake it off, but it doesn’t seem to be budging.

I’m trying really hard and it has just been excruciating. I want to go out, I want to have fun, and I haven’t done much of any of that. I think that’s what I miss–having places to go and going out. Now I just go home and watch TV. I need a social life outside of work, but it’s easier said than done to make that. I even have gone and done things and I’ve had a good time, but I’ve felt really out of place and awkward too. It’s odd. This is still just really new to me, even at 90+ days.

 

 

Today was not a good day. I am depressed, craving an escape, craving alcohol, craving anything to fast forward how I’m feeling.

 

I am a perfectionist and so incredibly flawed and it is driving me crazy. I haven’t felt so low in my 90+ days. I don’t know how or when it will pass, and I am struggling to find a way out. The worst is that I can fake it to everyone, I am outgoing, nice, funny…but on the inside I am a mess. So no one can help me, because they don’t know/I don’t want them to know, and I feel even worse.

Just trying to get through this soberly. It is finally getting hard.

I’m embarrassed by my last post. But I must remain authentic to my journey and keep it. I apologize if it made any one think less of me. I understand.

92 Days Sober

I’ve meant to write this on day 90, two days ago, but I couldn’t really get the energy to do it.

I have been feeling really lethargic recently–depressed, tired, you name it. Getting out of bed is incredibly hard for me still. I still stay up all night (till around 8 am) and sleep all day (till about 5 pm). I can make myself go to sleep at midnight and wake up at like 5 am, but there’s no point in me being awake during the day. My dad takes up the entire house, and I have nothing to do except an improv class on Tuesday or working at night at the restaurant. I dunno, it works for me, but my parents aren’t pleased with it. They have been a huge issue with me during my time. We don’t have the worst relationship, but it isn’t good. They don’t get me, at all. They are conservative, closed-minded, WASPs. I am liberal, expressive, and am not full of shit like they like to talk to their friends over a game of bridge. It doesn’t make sense because my dad is a musician but he is such a push over when it comes to my mom, he always takes her side, and never asks me what I’m feeling, just goes off of my Mom bitching about how I am sleeping all day or I don’t wan ta real job. it never fucking crosses her mind that I am SOBER for the first time in 6 years and doing it ALONE and have been trying to HELP MYSELF slowly. THEY DON’T. FUCKING. GET. IT. and it is INFURIATING. My brother fucking is a raging alcoholic for years, waited tables and did NOTHING, but he lived in an apartment so that’s ok. It literally is because I live with them. I have to live with them because I a) need to save money for my euro trip (more on that later), b) I’m in debt , c) i refuse to pay to live in bumfuck Maryland, and d) I can’t/won’t work full time unless it’s a job I love in a city I love. I never fit in ANYWHERE I go, and I can’t risk that rejection again. I can’t fucking work at some office and have everyone hate me again. I can’t move to a city where everyone treats me terribly and I get suicidal-level depressed again. I can’t just go somewhere and risk my sobriety. They never fucking ask how my sobriety is going. They can send my brother to a fucking 30 grand rehab that he got COURT MANDATED to go to, but they can’t let me live under their roof and do it alone. I am always alone. I feel so fucking hurt and angry, like I used to when I drank. my 90 days was a huge milestone and it was dampened by my parents being rude to me, none of my “best friends” CONGRATULATING ME on my fucking huge moment after all I ever did was support their stupid acting careers and other bullshit I never gave a fuck about. I was alone, my parents went to Virgina and I was alone on my 90th. I cried my fucking eyes out. all. day. I couldn’t go to my improv class, I was too sad and tired, and my therapy session just wasn’t good. It takes everything to get me to go to therapy some days cause I’m just so tired and the appointments are at like noon. I know that’s nothing but I don’t sleep until 10 am some days. I know that’s my doing, but insomnia is a huge problem I have, I hate being awake during the day, and there’s no point to being awake during the day when I’m just gonna be in my room and watch Top Chef all day. I just don’t find it important. I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with my parents and sleeping all day helps with that too. I just want to be fucking invisible because they make me feel so wildly unwelcome in my own fucking house. So sorry I have mental illness and am trying to get sober—which, it takes an alcoholic to raise one, cuties ;). They get hammered each and every night, and I don’t say a WORD. They can do whatever they want. But I sleep during the day and that’s not good enough. They don’t even invite me to dinner (and yes, I’m awake for it). It’s just such bullshit. They always ALWAYS put me down, and that’s why I have self esteem issues. “you’re not pretty enough” “guys aren’t interested in you” “so and so is so smart, you should try to be like her” “so and so is so sweet, you should be like her”. I. was. never. EVER. good enough. I was a star athlete—nope. I was an honors student—but not the top of the class. It fucked me up so badly, and they take no god damn responsibility for how it made me feel. It’s always MY fault that I have mental illness. That I am a “bummer” to be around. That I am rude. oh really???? WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT TO TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK AND BEING ANNOYING!? YOU DON’T EVEN ASK ME HOW MY WRITING IS GOING. WHAT MY DREAMS ARE. NOTHING. You don’t give a shit, and this is why I am the way I am. They have never said I love you. It’s “implied”. Implied by what?!??! allowing your fucking kid to live with you when she’s down? Oh, wow!Parents of the year award!!!

I am truly sorry that this post is so angry, so upset, and so childish. I have such deep-seeded issues with my parents that I fear will never be resolved. I try to talk to them and I get shot down. I never open up to them because every time I do, I get rejected. It’s why I can’t do anything without that crippling fear of rejection. It’s them, and they will never fucking admit they made a mistake raising us. Uh, your son is an alcoholic asshole (now a sober asshole) and you don’t think that has anything to do with your raising?? hm.

I can’t get started on my brother. That’s for another post of anger and resentment.

I just wish I loved my family like everyone else seems to. They aren’t terrible people, but I don’t enjoy most of my time with them. Seeing them once a year was all I could handle. Barely. I hate that that’s the case, and yet, they keep reminding me why I pull away from them. They want me to talk and yet every time I do, THEY SHOOT ME DOWN!!!!!! EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! DONT YOU GET HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO BE MENTALLY ILL, MOVING FROM YOUR DREAM CITY, HAVING YOUR HEART BROKEN BY YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, LOSING JOB AFTER JOB, BEING CONSTANTLY TOLD YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??! JESUS CHRIST!!!!!

I scream alone every chance I get because I am just. so. ANGRY. I hate feeling this way, and I just want it to end. This was supposed to be a special time, a milestone, and I am fucking livid, and alone.

I bought a huge trip for one month in Europe 7/20/15. I don’t have any money, but I don’t care, I need to do this because this has been my dream since I went to study abroad. My Mom is furious I’m doing it because that means less money to move out. I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING MOVE OUT UNTIL I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR 3 MONTHS AND YOU HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT RUDE TO ME ABOUT MY EXISTENCE IN YOUR PRECIOUS WASP LIFE.

I am so sorry.

This, was one of the many reasons why i drank. To numb this anger, this RAGE inside me. It’s just so scary to feel it all, to write this out, to feel this terrible about people I’m supposed to love. Who are supposed to love me.

I just feel everything and it is a terrible feeling. This has been such a fucking brutal week, and it was supposed to be special. I was supposed to be happy. Instead I am angry, crying, and alone.

I just want this acceptance that I desperately crave, and I don’t think I will ever get it. It’s so scary. I have been rejected everywhere I go. All of my friends, my school, my jobs….it makes me feel like it’s me. Like I’m the freak. and I’m not! i have my flaws but I deserve to feel accepted, and I just don’t think I ever will.

I just want a family who accepts and loves me. I don’t think I’ll ever get it, sober or not.

I haven’t craved alcohol in months, but this week, it has finally started to beckon me. I won’t cave in, but I finally am getting the drinking craving. To feel numb. To black out and pass out and forget the night, to fast forward this anger to a black out oblivion. That’s what I loved to do, to fast forward the feelings. But now, I have to feel them all. And it fucking sucks.

But I have to stay sober. I have to get over this, and the only way is if I write about it. Thank you for accepting me despite my flaws and my rage. I need it more than you know. I just want that happy ending, and it isn’t happening for me..yet.

Robin Williams suicide brought me back to my suicidal past too. Just so tragic to see he was in such pain. I get it. I know what it’s like to drive your car and have an impulsive urge to collide with the car coming in the other lane. To drink heavily and mix pills in hopes that you won’t wake up. To do any drug you can get your hand on just to gamble with life. I fucking know it. I lived it. I am it. It brought me back to that place too. What’s even worse—I kinda envied him. That he is dead, he doesn’t have to deal with this world anymore. I’m so jealous. And I relate in that he was a beloved comedian—much like I am the jester of the group. Everyone thinks I’m so happy and funny, and if they only KNEW what goes on in my head. The demons I face every day. The urges to hurt myself. It doesn’t go away, and I’m scared it never will. I truly feel for Robin and his family, and I hope he found peace.

I need to sleep this off, but I needed to write at my worst so I could let this all out and get back to wanting to be sober.

one last “fuck you” to my family and my “family” of “best friends” in LA who didn’t celebrate my 90 days sober.

I am so rejected, dejected, angry, and sad. Fuck. fuck. fuck.

Has anyone else felt this surge of anger? Anyone else an angry drunk? Anyone else feel rejected and alone? I could use some positive reinforcement. All notes are appreciated.

Thanks for tolerating. This means a lot<3