Ugh

I went to my first AA meeting last week, and felt incredibly uncomfortable. I was so disappointed in how uncomfortable I felt, I started to cry. I came to celebrate my friend’s 3 year anniversary and heard his story, which was really great. The love in the room was palpable, and I was so happy for him. I didn’t even introduce myself, I was too overcome with anxiety and fear. I couldn’t even say the word alcoholic without choking up.

I have seen better days.

My depression is at an all time low. I will be getting medicated Monday, and hopefully this will make me feel better. I lost my job/I quit, then I gained two new ones. With that has come with a huge deal of anxiety about learning two new companies and new chances to mess up, and new opportunities to be mean to myself and hard on myself. I couldn’t even go to improv class today. I was just so miserable and low. I am training for my new restaurant gig and I am so desperate I want to be as happy as possible but I am so, so scared I won’t be welcome there because I am depressed. Just like my old job. I am just really cold when I first meet people cause I fear being rejected so much, but I can’t help it. I am constantly rejected and it just has made me colder. I will think I am being warm, and then I just get a bad vibe. I am just so worried, because I desperately need this job. This isn’t just some waitng gig. I have $12 in my bank account, and $1000 in debt. I need this.

I am working at another customer service job next month, and that anxiety is killing me, too. I have had to fill out so many forms since it’s a big company, and I even have to take a drug test. I haven’t used in 4+ months, but I still just feel so exposed.

Oh, and my OBGYN called me about my results. They don’t call unless something is wrong. Anxiety, again.

I am just so depressed and anxious, and haven’t felt this low in a long time. I hate not making money, I hate being lost, and I just hate blowing off improv class because I am exhausted and socially just not up to being around people. It is so hard to be around people and be fake all day in customer service and come home. My parents get the worst of it. They don’t get it, no matter how many times I try to explain it. I am their burden.

I had to cancel my euro trip because of funds. $400 down the fucking toilet. It will be ok, it’s just another burden. Another “you don’t get to celebrate the positive changes you’ve made in your life”. Just a simple “ok, life sober sucks too, have fun”. I just want to love life, and I don’t, at all. I am so, so miserable, and I annoy myself constantly. I want to shake it off but it just is latching on to me, constantly telling me I’m a loser. They call this alcohlism recovery, which is just so brutal. I don’t crave alcohol, but I crave a distraction like I had before. The distraction was so important. Now I just…have to hope. and pray.

I just don’t like how I’m feeling and behaving at all. I am so upset that the AA meeting didn’t make me feel better–I, for once, came in with a positive attitude, and it just was way too intense.

I don’t like this person I am. I thought this would go away with sobriety and therapy, and it doesn’t. I hope medication helps me, I can’t afford to be like this anymore.

it’s my birthday

I am sick, really sick.

But I am sober.

 

Just want to get better 😦

and now i just found out one of my old best friends, whom I spoke to relatively recently, but we aren’t as close as we used to be, but never had a falling out, deleted me on facebook like I was some chump.

 

I seriously have the worst friends. I truly worry and get upset as to why I am treated this way. I have to be doing something wrong–I keep getting treated this way.

 

How can I love myself when I’m constantly reminded I am disliked.

Fuck, this is why I delete my facebook. It only hurts my feelings. I guess everyone hates me. Just in time for my birthday.

 

Fuck I hate this day I just want it to be OVER.

18 hours until B-day—first sober birthday anxiety

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I hated myself so much, and I’m trying desperately to let it go, but I still have that lingering feeling from my “friends” who all left me in the dust.

They always told me what was wrong with my personality. I never did anything to them. All they did was make me insecure. I can be bitchy sometimes–you know why—I am blunt. I put up with a lot of shit, I am a server, for god’s sake, so when I snap, MAYBE YOU REALLY ARE BEING WRONG. I used to love myself and was taught by so many people to hate myself. That I was ugly. That I was mean. That I was wrong. I just don’t know how I can handle my birthday when I get “happy birthday” from a bunch of people who don’t even like me. I don’t care if you don’t like me, but don’t you dare try to make ME not like me. I just never would do that to someone. If I don’t like you, I just don’t talk to you. I very, very rarely talk shit about someone I don’t like, unless they really hurt me. I used to be a lot worse when I drank, because wine made me gossip.

I just had some really awful friends, and they really hurt me. I can’t let go of the past yet, and I really want to, and I think once this birthday passes, I will really be able to move forward. That will be exciting. But this birthday has given me nothing but anxiety and reminding me of all the people in my life who “tolerated” me and made me feel bad about myself. I have my flaws but I am a fucking great person. My flaw is that I am impatient and don’t have much of a filter. Sue me. I never intentionally hurt someone, and when I do, I always apologize. I don’t think that makes me the fucking devil.

At least I’m not some passive woman who lets people walk all over them like some of my other “friends”. Oh, I am also incredibly passive aggressive. Add that to the flaws, sigh.

I am very thankful I am sober, but it does make it brutal when you have to face everything that made you drink int he first place. I see that I am hung up on stuff that happened in 2008, as if it happened yesterday. Then again, I started binge drinking in 2008. I hated myself. People hated me. I drank to forget the pain. Now I have to realize and walk through it, and it is so, so hard, but I know it will be worth it. I just wish I had someone to share it with. I am so thankful for my work friends, they are so great to me and make me happy. I just sometimes think I am going to get fired because sometimes customers (about once a month) complain that I am rude. They are of course always rude customers, and I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with rude people well enough to hide how pissed I am. I wish I could figure that out. But I NEED this job for all the money I owe…I have been doing interviews and it’s been ok, not bad, not good. I would love a real job for a temporary position, just to have a stable income outside of serving. I like my job, but the customers sometimes just make me insane. I respect customer service people so much–it is so much harder than it looks. They don’t get paid enough.

 

I also weighed myself, I have lost 18 pounds in the 3 months I have quit drinking (may 13, didn’t weigh myself) and started Weight Watchers (June 1, weighed a whopping 231). I am really proud of that. I have barely really “dieted”–it truly is just the alcohol and thinking clearly when I eat. I used to drink until I blacked out, and ate a whole pizza and 12 wings without thinking twice. fat, fat, and more fat. carbs on top of carbs. I was eating and drinking like I hated myself, and now I’m starting to nourish my body.

birthday countdown: 18 hours. Help walk me through this. Thanks 🙂

it’s one of those days

nothing monumental happened, but i don’t feel good.

 

I feel lonely, anxious, and really nervous for my birthday on wednesday. it’s my first birthday sober in 5 years. It’s my first birthday alone in 7. My birthday used to be a big huge labor day weekend party, where we drank for 3 days straight and recovered on monday. this year, I worked, every day, and cried when I got home. It was a couple of my friend’s birthday’s this week, the ones in LA, and they got so many great wishes. One got a music video song, one got to go to fyf festival…and I know I am going to be alone, crying all day. I know it’s selfish, but birthdays are the only days I felt loved by my “friends”. THat was because I was having a party, so it was fun. Now I’m not partying, and I’m not fun. I’m sober. I’m alone. I have no one to relate to outside of the blog world. I am hesitant to do a meeting because they just intimidate me.

 

I had a great performance for my improv show. My fist one sober. It was a big moment for me, and I shared it with my class. They were so supportive and sweet. We will work together again next week, and I can’t wait. They make me feel loved.

 

I am planning on getting a massage, going to therapy, and eating sushi on my birthday. I will be turning 24. I will be starting a new year on a great foot. I know this is what I need to do, but it is excruciating in the process. Fake friends or not, the celebration was what made me feel alive. The liquor, the booze hugs, the bars—all of it.

I guess it’s just hard to learn how to celebrate at that same level without alcohol. I have fun without it, sure, but I never have those epic nights like I did in LA. I don’t miss it but  I miss the thrill. I am awfully bored, but I’m sober. I guess that is the best gift of all.

Hope you are all having a better week!